I LOVE ME

Significance of teaching the client self-love in psychotherapy

What is self-love?

Self-love simply refers to falling in love with the self. This includes taking care of one’s wellbeing, needs and happiness. t also entails having compassion for the negative aspects of the self, practicing a non-judgmental attitude towards the internal thought processes and accepting the overall personality as it really is.

How many of us can do that? How many of us can be okay with how we look, think and feel. Do we have compassion for our negative emotional states? Can we live without the labels of what we should be and what we should do as opposed to being content with what we are? The answer to these questions is mostly a “NO”. The reason underlying this response is that we are never taught to love the self, neither is the skill promoted. This does not mean that we do not do not try to grow or improve but actually brings to light how often we are critical of ourselves. One has to struggle to learn the art of self-love.

Why is self-love important?

Exactly! Why is it important? Don’t we assume that it’s something we automatically do? Is it not interchangeably used for words like “selfishness” and “narcissism”? Do people around us get threatened if we are independent and self-reliant? Well, unfortunately, self-love is anything but automatic. It is a constant process that involves conscious effort to rewire the brain and train it to think in the light of positivity and patience using tools like mindfulness. It starts with being aware of behavioral patterns, cognitive processes and internal beliefs about the self. Once insight is gained, interception is made to mould all of the above mentioned in a way that is therapeutic for the self, adds to self-esteem, confidence and increases self-efficacy. Other words like selfishness etc. may be used by a lay person while referring to self-love but in reality their meanings vastly differ. Self-love does not involve being happy at the cost of someone else neither does it refer to a lack empathy and consideration for others. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Individuals who practice self-love as part and parcel of their life are said to be more empathic and considerate for others, Finkel (2002). Narcissism is another notion that self-love is confused with. It stems from childhood neglect and involves a pathological coping mechanism where an individual constantly tries to inflate their sense of being, in order to feel adequate, whereas, self-love would involve looking after that neglected child within, who starves for attention.

Moving on to the importance of self-love it is fair to say that loving the self, increases the individual’s internal resource, resilience, self-esteem and self-confidence. It is very intriguing to study how this happens. The principle revolves much around the notion of perception, used in Cognitive Behavior Therapy; which states that it is the appraisal of an event, the meaning given to it that leads to an outcome feeling. Self-love increases tolerance and decreases the critical voice inside the mind which ultimately leads to a person appreciating experiences in life, in retrospect. The appraisal of negative outcomes transform as the internal beliefs change over time. When a person starts to believe “I am worthy”, s/he has a different approach towards evaluating unpleasant outcomes. Situations are then assessed independently by the mind and their outcomes do not trigger negative core beliefs. A classic example would be someone working really hard for a job that they wanted and eventually not getting it. The internal belief of “I am worthy” helps the individual to get past the disappointment much sooner than otherwise and motivates the person to explore more options rather than giving up, because the situation does not define the individual in terms of worth. So, we see that not only do our perceptions and emotional states change but so do our behavioral responses.

How is self-love taught in psychotherapy?

A standard formula or technique to teach a person how to love themselves doesn’t really exist. Instead the process is a gradual learning experience where the client can be taught different techniques and ways to identify the problematic area first and then focus on healing.

Foremost, it is important to make the client understand that the outer world is a reflection of the inner world that we as individuals experience. To be able to make changes in the outer world, it is imperative that the inner world is improved. This is where the therapist helps the client develop insight into aspects of the psyche that need attention, acceptance and love.

The ultimate goal of psychotherapy is to make the client independent, (Patterson 1959). What better way to do that then to teach the client a way to love themselves. When we love other people, we generally like to spend time with them, please them, care for them, express affection, find a sense of gratification in being close to them, prioritize them and the list can go on. The same way, a client can be educated about how to do these things for themselves and the crucial importance of doing so in order for a healthier and happier living.

What seems to be the hurdle in teaching self-love are our early childhood experiences. Individuals who are neglected, abused, traumatized will find it particularly hard to incorporate self-love in their lives for understandable reasons. Yet, somehow these are the people who need it the most. Through psychotherapy, the therapist is able to form a relationship with the client that allows unconditional positive regard and a nonjudgmental attitude, which the client gradually internalizes. Ego States Therapy is another form of therapeutic modality that allows for self-love. In it, the client is encouraged to have a dialogue with different facets of personality which are usually repressed or neglected. Recognizing and acknowledging various aspects of the ego provides an opportunity for their acceptance (Watkins, 1993).